Thursday, June 26, 2008

One Year On...

A year ago, this happened.

Right now, I'm pissed off enough as it is without the reminder of how happy I was a year ago, and how I bounded around telling anyone and everyone that I was going to be published.

Today, the weather is British. That is to say, it's not raining right now, but it's just finished, and it could start again at any moment but it might not. The kids are looking at me for something to do, but I'm tired and we have zero money in the bank (thanks, mainly, to both cars needing $1,000 of work two days apart, thus drying up our parachute fund.) I just spent $10 on pizza, which leaves me nothing until July 10. Even the work I finished yesterday that will eventually earn me a chunk of change won't earn me that chunk until September.

If only the weather were better OR I had a hundred bucks in the bank to spend on doing something fun, it would be all good.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Random Tuesday Thoughts

* Having spent an hour with a cranky, sweaty miserable 3-year-old hanging on to my neck, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that he is now asleep on the couch. He's either sick or tired - whereas I am both.

* Watermelon is like a summer romance. It's wet, messy and delicious but it's only good in the summer, and if you tried to survive on nothing but watermelon, it just wouldn't work out.

* What is the point of Coronitas? If I want a beer, I want a beer. Not "some" of a beer.

* Why do I have so much trouble letting go of things I have no control over? And why can't I sleep, regardless of whether I go to bed at 7, 8, 10 or midnight?

* While likes of Chelsea and Arsenal are fighting over the cream of Europe to bolster their squads, why can't Aston Villa find someone to play in goal now they've lost both their first team goalkeepers? I like to think I know enough about "soccer" to realize having a goalkeeper would really help win games... by not losing them.

* Talking of soccer, I am so much more excited about the prospect of playing this Sunday than watching Germany playing Spain in the European Championship final. It's bound to go to penalties, Germany will win, and nobody outside of Germany will be happy about it.

Monday, June 23, 2008


I have always loved Seinfeld, and always had a love-hate with George Costanza. Sometimes I have to change the channel rather than watch George do some of the stupid shit he pulls as he digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole.

During soccer games, if I score early on, I will often consider pulling a Costanza (that is, quit while I'm ahead.)

But yesterday I was watching the episode when Elaine and Jerry are on the plane (Jerry in first class, next to a model, drinking wine - Elaine in coach braving a blown-up toilet) and I started to agree with almost every sentiment George was having.

It was funny, then it was scary.

Friday, June 20, 2008


Every summer, there's a couple of weeks when ants march through our house. But, so what? I could fill the house with poisons or corn meal which they (supposedly) can't digest and it makes them explode or something (but let the record show I have my doubts - we were told slices of lemon would deter even the heartiest scout ants from bothering us. What did we end up with? Lemon slices covered with ants. It's like the old red-pepper-on-peanuts-deters-squirrels-from-eating-nuts-meant-for-the-birds lie. We had squirrels lining up to sample our uber-savory red-peppery snack nuts. But I digress.) But they're just bloody ants. Who gives one?

Last summer, I got a little crazy when someone left a half-eaten french fry container on the couch overnight and in the morning, the couch was coated with ants. That was unpleasant, but... you know. It's just ants. They are nature's irritants. They don't bite (hard enough that you would notice.) Whatever. And when you disturb them, they scatter faster than a group of nine-year-olds they just broke a car windshield.

But this morning, I woke up, and they were all over the kitchen. Yes, someone left the top of the honey pot, which encouraged them to start sniffing around. But then we found them in the butter dish. And all over everywhere. Bastards!

I wonder if aardvark's make a lot of mess, or could be trained to use a cat litter box, because that's the best way I can think of to keep the little shitheads out of my house. Plus it would be cool to have an aardvark.

"Hey, what the heck is that?"
"(swelling with pride) An aardvark. His name is Varky."
"You rock."
"Yes, yes I do."

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hold The Front Page!

As far from your face as possible!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Father's Day

I'm still getting used to being the subject of "Father's Day" though yesterday was my fifth.

That said, it was a great day of low-key pampering.

Wake up, breakfast (bacon sandwich - food of the gods) and presents (handmade crafts - the best kind of gifts) before soccer (one goal.) Home, lunch, off to movies to see Indiana Jones (**** - fun. I should have seen it last Tuesday, so this made it a double-whammy of satisfaction.) Home, wine (white) and dinner (burgers, hot dogs, flame grilled red peppers.) Battlestar Galactica (two DVRed episodes) and bed.

Oh, and I'll scan the newspaper front page later today. It's going to rain a lot, so I'm going to be inside with nothing else to do.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Once again, I find myself on the front page - this time of the local newspaper.

Even stranger, it's the one that I work for. The photo is really pretty good, considering it was taken in my house. I will post a scan tomorrow for those not in the Town Journal's catchment area (ie. anyone not within 20 minutes driving distance.)

Once again, I find myself pondering how many copies of my book I could have shifted on the back of this if it had been released on schedule last Friday. Once again, I probably shouldn't bother asking myself as it wasn't.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Today's Conversation With Patrick

Patrick: "Yes means no and no means yes."

Me: "Is that right?"

Patrick: "... no ..."

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Random Thoughts On A Tuesday

* The biggest thrill of today was probably the fact I saved $20.20 with my Pathmark card after buying enough supplies to last (I hope) the next two weeks. Today was payday, and we're already in something of a hole thanks to both cars needing to be patched up in the last month. Not to mention the price of gas meant we had almost twice as much on our Shell card as usual.

* A random phone call and a nice e-mail made me smile as much as the look on Patrick's face when he saw a box of Eggo waffles with Kung-Fu Panda on them.

* Kashi cereal really shouldn't taste as good as it does.

* Given that it's nearly 100 degrees outside (at 9:30am) and that I lost at least a pound in weight every twenty minutes through my sweat glands all night long, how can I have gained weight since last week?

* A major soccer tournament is taking place, and I have access to watch every game live, but I couldn't give a toss. Although I do hope Holland win, what with my vague Dutch-ness and the fact they have some of the coolest jerseys in world soccer (after QPR and Villa.)

* Mike's Hard Lemonade shouldn't be allowed when it's this hot.

* Anyone talking on a cell phone and driving a Hummer/Escalade like they just passed their test who refuses to even acknowledge a honk because they're driving like a tit should have their phone stuck up their arse. If McCain proposed this as a law (and I was a US citizen) I would vote for him and volunteer to do the shoving.

* Why can't the zoo open at 8am on days like this? And why doesn't the local theater have matinees? Yes, school is still in session, but there are thousands of parents of pre-schoolers who now have to brave the extreme heat or stay home. Surely showing a kids movie in an air-conditioned theater at 11am or letting people out to look at the animals while it's only 75 outside would help everyone.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

There Will Be Blood...

So, here's one from the "couldn't make it up" file.

Penny had an appointment for a sample of Kindergarten life today, so I dragged myself, Penny and Patrick down to the school where she won't start for real until September.

After wandering around and into a First Grade breakfast or something (needless to say I didn't hang around to find out exactly what it was all about) I eventually worked out where I was supposed to be and walked over there, the kids skipping behind me holding my hand.

And then Patrick skip-tripped and skinned his knee, the gash deepened by the fact I unwittingly dragged him along the sidewalk by his hand as he lost his balance. He's crying, there's blood... and oh look! There's the School's Principal!

So, I pick him up (he's crying up a storm) and walk over to greet her. While she is sticking on Penny's name tag, I look down at my white Knicks t-shirt. It's covered in blood from Pat's knee wound. Perfect.

So, as the handful of other K-parents-to-be gather nervously and make their way into the school - many of them for the first time - I sneak along at the back of the line, naturally the only father, holding a sobbing child, and covered in blood.

I ran out before anyone could call me on it. Wonderful way to make a first impression on a school.

Big Papi (not me, Ortiz of the R** S**)

This didn't bother me too much at first, but the more I thought about it, the madder I got.

David Ortiz, a behemoth of a man that plays for the Boston R** S** is going to stand at Yankee Stadium during All-Star Week, have a fan tell him where to hit a home run, call his shot (just like Babe Ruth may or may not have done in the 1932 World Series) and then slap one over the fence.

I have been considering a comparison for my English friends to understand. It would be like having Maradona re-enact his Hand of God at Wembley with a fan playing the part of Steve Hodge.

So, to put things right I've entered the sweepstakes to get the right to tell Big Papi where to put his home run.

And when I win, I intend to tell him: up his arse. And I hope he makes it.

Monday, June 02, 2008

The Week Ahead

The following week is packed, but I'm going to try my hardest to get to the driving range and shank a few more balls over the right hand side netting.

MONDAY - Actually, this is kind of a quiet day. Unless you count laundry, cooking and cleaning.

TUESDAY - Free movie day in Ridgewood! Indiana Jones, anyone? Also I'm out for dinner at a swanky swank.

WEDNESDAY - Playdate for the kids, five irons for me.

THURSDAY - Pen has a pretend hour at Kindergarten to start the day. Nice.

FRIDAY - Birthday parties, grown-up parties, perhaps the arrival of my brother-in-law (see Sunday)

SATURDAY - Kickball, parties

SUNDAY - USA v Argentina at Giants Stadium with bro-in-law and others.

(in related news, someone asked me if I got on with my brother-in-law. I described him as "like my wife, but a guy" which sells him short somewhat, but it's a pretty good yardstick. If that doesn't spell it out to you, yes, he's a good guy.)