Getting A Grip

So I'm finally in a position where I don't feel like I'm drowning. "Half-ashore" would be close. "But coughing and spluttering sea water."

I was so overwhelmed by the kids going back to school, I don't even know where to start talking about it. Every day, my daughter's school bag has been coming home with another form asking for another check for something we know nothing about. And the dash from picking up my son and driving across town to get my daughter from a different school became akin to something out of the Wacky Races.

Now, on a day when the weather has turned from 60 and sunny to wet, windy and freezing do I feel capable enough to actually comment on just how insane the last months has been.

I am so glad, despite the ridicule and envy it has created, that I am as good as done with my Christmas shopping. During the summer I made a little money with some magazine articles, so I spent it all on stuff for the family. I might even get packages sent back to England before Valentines Day when it has traditionally shown up.

No other big news to talk of (ie. no book coming out imminently) but hopes remain high for the thing I am about to finish, and the thing I will pick up again after that.

So...

... this is going to be a difficult post, because I don't want to actually say anything.

But! I am close to finishing my second (sigh!) manuscript, and some exciting stuff is starting to get underway. I have about 3,000 words to write which will bring me to a smaller-than-I-would-have-thought total, but I want to allow for illustrations and photos (shhhh!) and I should be done inside two weeks.

We have family visiting starting tomorrow, which can only hinder my already verging-on-pathetic update rate, but let's all remember that school starts on September 4 and with it comes the promise of mornings with no kids on a regular basis for the first time in months.

Unfortunately, September is a double-edged-sword as Labor Day draws in signifying the unofficial end of summer. And that prospect sucks, as I note my tan is already fading somewhat. Cold weather just doesn't work for me.

And so we came to the end

So, after some craziness of a family vaction, and on the cusp of more of the same, I have a week to breathe.

We just spent a week in Maine with a lot of in-laws and kids. The beauty of the kids staying out of our hair and playing together with little supervision was unsurpassed. So was the amount of beer consumed.

This time next week, my own parents arrive for a week or so. And on the day they leave, I have to do another one of those pre-school meeting things (my first as President) and also take my daughter to her first day at "big school."

All this means my wit-well is bone dry and I feel like I am hungover, even when I am not.

Parent Paper Again

Here's the article in this month's PP. It coincides nicely with everything else that's coming together about this particular project. That's all I'm saying.

What?? And yet, YAY!

This is some of the dumbest, and yet potentially greatest, news I have heard in ages.

I don't mean "greatest" because either movie will be any good if they get made, but I mean greatest from a pure marketing point of view for my latest writing project, which is two weeks from completion of the second draft. This coincides with Monday's release of an essay, published in a parenting magazine, to further heat up the potential casserole.

Now, where did I put Punky Brewster's address? (I'm serious... she and two other cult stars will be getting a letter from me in the next few weeks.)

1986

I posted this new photo of myself in 1986 on my facebook profile.

What with my minor obsessions with '80s music (due to the recent '80s night fundraiser I helped organize) and the '80s movie book I've nearly finished, and then seeing this photo, I wasn't too surprised when my five-year-old daughter asked me what it was like in 1986.

Well...

* I was 12 and starting high school, as the photo might imply. I also still wore glasses (they would be replaced by contact lenses three years later) and didn't much care how my hair looked (a new haircut two years later, that came with a good blob of gel a day changed that.)

* I had yet to fully discover the beauty of Aston Villa, and was something of a Liverpool fan as many kids my age were because they won everything. Truth be told, I was pretty indifferent to football at 12.

* I owned a ZX Spectrum computer. It had a 48K memory and loaded games via tape.

* For my 12th birthday, I received a whole bunch of Transformer toys - at least two Insecticons and Perceptor, an import-only Autobot who transformed into a microscope. They were the closest I had to an obsession at this point in my life. I convinced myself I would never tire of my Transformers and would have them on display in my living room as an adult. I then sold some and gave the rest away aged 13 (to buy Bacardi, probably.)

* My favorite pop group by far was Five Star. I would go to my first ever pop concert a year later - the aforementioned Five Star at Wembley Arena. The tour was sponsored by a toothpaste company. I was in the second row and Denise looked at me and waved.

* Girlfriends up until that point hadn't been anything more than a kiss on the cheek after school. It would still be a year until my first real girlfriend, a romance that lasted maybe a week.

* I had my own income from a paper round that brought in less than five pounds a week. I would spend it all on Saturday afternoon (Saturday morning was payday.) For this money I had to wake up at 5:30 and ride a bike carrying a heavy bag of The Sun and The Daily Mirror over a three mile-or-so route, seven days a week. It was a crime.

* My best friends in 1986 were Ed, Matthew, Simon, Deon, Fitzy and an assortment of supporting characters. Over the next four years of high school that hardcore would remain and be supplemented by the likes of Aaron, Marc, Desmond (who was always a friend, but moved in different circles until we were 15) and Richard/Scrapper/Bouncer (all the same person.)

Of course I was a very different person then from now. But I still laugh at BlackAdder (my favorite TV show at the time) and still stay in touch with many of the people I met that year, despite being 2,000 miles away from most of them.

I now understand what "old" people say about how time flies.

Flashbacks

I'm semi-watching a soccer game on TV right now, and I am reminded of my youth by the appearance of Darren Huckerby, playing for San Jose. A decade ago, Huckerby was a great player. And here he is right now, scoring on his full debut.



What's funny is, he's from Nott-ing-ham (as in bacon) and he was last seen playing for Norr-Which in England.

heehee!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

At 6:15am this morning, Sunday took a nosedive.

My wife's office called her in to work. This meant, among other things, I had to accept I couldn't play soccer this morning (what with it being 95 degrees outside, and nobody being awake at 8:30 to even call to ask if they could take them for me.)

It gets better. About 15 minutes ago, it occurred to me that my daughter starts summer camp tomorrow. So I better go do some laundry so she has a clean bathing suit, and I also have to go to the flippin' store again, having sworn I wouldn't have to return until Wednesday at the earliest, to buy flippin' packed lunch stuff for her.

It's so hot I'm sitting in the living room with the A/C on and the attic fan roaring, and I'm still sweating (this is why my wife was called to work - she works for the NYC power utility.)

I had hoped at least one kid would nap, given they were both awake by 6:30 and that we played outside for an hour and they ought to be exhausted. No such luck.

Ugh. It's not even Monday yet, and I know this week is going to hurt. I have mixed feelings about sending my daughter to a camp that is nearly twice as long as her pre-school day. I know she will be fine, but I will have to adjust to only having my son around during the say while bearing in mind she will need to be collected every afternoon.

MJ

Michael Jackson turns 50 this year. It's also the 21st anniversary of the last good album he made.

Whatever you think of MJ, at his prime he made some just awesome pop songs. Now... well, not so much. Then there's all that other business.

Anyway, he's asking his fans to choose a track listing for his latest "Best Of" CD. So, because I happen to be listening to Billie Jean right now, I thought I would help him out.

Beat It
Billie Jean
Smooth Criminal
Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough
Leave Me Alone
Bad
Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
I Just Can't Stop Loving You
Baby Be Mine
Black or White
Liberian Girl
Man in the Mirror
Ben
She's out of My Life
P.Y.T.
The Lady in My Life
The Way You Make Me Feel
Remember The Time

As good as this track listing is, I wouldn't buy it if this was the "Best Of" listing. I'd just listen to the stuff from Thriller and shrug my shoulders over the rest . Sorry "Wacko." It really isn't anything personal. But I wish you'd stopped when I'd had enough. Right after Bad.

Thoughts for a Tuesday

* Sorry it's been so long between posts again, but these summer days are starting to blur. The weekdays are all hot and sunny and humid and I don't have any money to spend. In fact, I'm assuming it's Tuesday today but I'm not sure.

* Despite having to entertain the kids all day, every day, and tolerating some borderline ridiculous long days (Yesterday I was with the kids for 17 hours before my wife joined us... we were all asleep at the time) things aren't as bad as all that. I'm getting a lot of writing done, watching a lot of movies during downtime, and the soccer games I've been playing in have been really good fun, except for...

* ... the return of my ankle injury. I pushed my poor left ankle too far a week or so ago, and now it pops like bubblewrap with every step and feels like there's a rusty bunch of nuts and bolts inside it, not quite holding it together.

* I fucking hate raccoons. One keeps getting into our garage and eating the trash the morning it's supposed to be dragged to the curb. I've patched up two holes in the garage, and this morning patched up a third where the little bastard keeps digging his way in to feast on... well, crap I threw out. It's not appetizing and I can't believe it's the best food he can find, but it's so tasty it would seem he comes back every Monday night for a special slap-up garbage early-bird special.

* My lawnmower broke, which pains me for a few reasons. It was a 30th birthday present and it's awesome. And now the handles have sheered off. It was probably my fault somewhat. My estimation is that it needed some expert maintenance and eventually it shook itself to pieces. On the plus side, we have a lush, green lawn. On the downside, by next weekend it's going to be five feet tall.

* I've started growing hot peppers. How's that for random? The first shoots are due as early as this Friday. I have visions of making some killer hot sauce and giving it to people as gifts.

* I saw the movie Sweeney Todd this week. Well, I saw the first 15 minutes. What a bunch of pretentious wank.

Q. How many pens did we find when emptying out the old minivan?

A. Before answering, I'm not counting the Ruby Tuesday crayons. Nor the Crayola markers. Just the ball-point pens that I would use for writing bank deposit slips at the drive-thru or maintaining shopping lists.

Wrong.



It was 14. FOURTEEN! I when I wanted one, I couldn't find one, although these were all largely in obvious places (glovebox, those hole things on the doors, the center console). One was from the beef marketing board: "BEEF - IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER" and I have no idea where it came from, unless I once gave a ride to Dandy comic cowboy Desperate Dan who dropped his pen after reaching his destination and then wiped my memory.

Developments

This is the longest I've gone without posting for a while, but there isn't a whole lot to report.

* We do have a new car. I'm driving it very slowly and parking it Clark Griswald-style in the furthest spot in the lot.

* After playing soccer four times in a week, something had to give. It was my right quad and it hurts like the worst dead-leg-punch I ever got in middle school.

* Today was so humid and having turned up at swim lessons I knew KNEW weren't on today, but allowed myself to be convinced they were, was unhappy to be right.

* Why is Tuvok from Star Trek: Voyager on iCarly?

* I am considering drinking poison so these ****ing mosquitos will bite me, then die.

* The high point of today: I asked the cashier at the check out for some quarters in my change and she offered me $10 worth - still in the roll. That was easy!

One Year On...

A year ago, this happened.

Right now, I'm pissed off enough as it is without the reminder of how happy I was a year ago, and how I bounded around telling anyone and everyone that I was going to be published.

Today, the weather is British. That is to say, it's not raining right now, but it's just finished, and it could start again at any moment but it might not. The kids are looking at me for something to do, but I'm tired and we have zero money in the bank (thanks, mainly, to both cars needing $1,000 of work two days apart, thus drying up our parachute fund.) I just spent $10 on pizza, which leaves me nothing until July 10. Even the work I finished yesterday that will eventually earn me a chunk of change won't earn me that chunk until September.

If only the weather were better OR I had a hundred bucks in the bank to spend on doing something fun, it would be all good.

SIGH!

Random Tuesday Thoughts

* Having spent an hour with a cranky, sweaty miserable 3-year-old hanging on to my neck, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that he is now asleep on the couch. He's either sick or tired - whereas I am both.

* Watermelon is like a summer romance. It's wet, messy and delicious but it's only good in the summer, and if you tried to survive on nothing but watermelon, it just wouldn't work out.

* What is the point of Coronitas? If I want a beer, I want a beer. Not "some" of a beer.



* Why do I have so much trouble letting go of things I have no control over? And why can't I sleep, regardless of whether I go to bed at 7, 8, 10 or midnight?

* While likes of Chelsea and Arsenal are fighting over the cream of Europe to bolster their squads, why can't Aston Villa find someone to play in goal now they've lost both their first team goalkeepers? I like to think I know enough about "soccer" to realize having a goalkeeper would really help win games... by not losing them.

* Talking of soccer, I am so much more excited about the prospect of playing this Sunday than watching Germany playing Spain in the European Championship final. It's bound to go to penalties, Germany will win, and nobody outside of Germany will be happy about it.

Costanza

I have always loved Seinfeld, and always had a love-hate with George Costanza. Sometimes I have to change the channel rather than watch George do some of the stupid shit he pulls as he digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole.

During soccer games, if I score early on, I will often consider pulling a Costanza (that is, quit while I'm ahead.)



But yesterday I was watching the episode when Elaine and Jerry are on the plane (Jerry in first class, next to a model, drinking wine - Elaine in coach braving a blown-up toilet) and I started to agree with almost every sentiment George was having.

It was funny, then it was scary.

Ants

Every summer, there's a couple of weeks when ants march through our house. But, so what? I could fill the house with poisons or corn meal which they (supposedly) can't digest and it makes them explode or something (but let the record show I have my doubts - we were told slices of lemon would deter even the heartiest scout ants from bothering us. What did we end up with? Lemon slices covered with ants. It's like the old red-pepper-on-peanuts-deters-squirrels-from-eating-nuts-meant-for-the-birds lie. We had squirrels lining up to sample our uber-savory red-peppery snack nuts. But I digress.) But they're just bloody ants. Who gives one?

Last summer, I got a little crazy when someone left a half-eaten french fry container on the couch overnight and in the morning, the couch was coated with ants. That was unpleasant, but... you know. It's just ants. They are nature's irritants. They don't bite (hard enough that you would notice.) Whatever. And when you disturb them, they scatter faster than a group of nine-year-olds they just broke a car windshield.

But this morning, I woke up, and they were all over the kitchen. Yes, someone left the top of the honey pot, which encouraged them to start sniffing around. But then we found them in the butter dish. And all over everywhere. Bastards!

I wonder if aardvark's make a lot of mess, or could be trained to use a cat litter box, because that's the best way I can think of to keep the little shitheads out of my house. Plus it would be cool to have an aardvark.

"Hey, what the heck is that?"
"(swelling with pride) An aardvark. His name is Varky."
"You rock."
"Yes, yes I do."

Hold The Front Page!

As far from your face as possible!

Father's Day

I'm still getting used to being the subject of "Father's Day" though yesterday was my fifth.

That said, it was a great day of low-key pampering.

Wake up, breakfast (bacon sandwich - food of the gods) and presents (handmade crafts - the best kind of gifts) before soccer (one goal.) Home, lunch, off to movies to see Indiana Jones (**** - fun. I should have seen it last Tuesday, so this made it a double-whammy of satisfaction.) Home, wine (white) and dinner (burgers, hot dogs, flame grilled red peppers.) Battlestar Galactica (two DVRed episodes) and bed.

Oh, and I'll scan the newspaper front page later today. It's going to rain a lot, so I'm going to be inside with nothing else to do.

Splash

Once again, I find myself on the front page - this time of the local newspaper.

Even stranger, it's the one that I work for. The photo is really pretty good, considering it was taken in my house. I will post a scan tomorrow for those not in the Town Journal's catchment area (ie. anyone not within 20 minutes driving distance.)

Once again, I find myself pondering how many copies of my book I could have shifted on the back of this if it had been released on schedule last Friday. Once again, I probably shouldn't bother asking myself as it wasn't.

Today's Conversation With Patrick

Patrick: "Yes means no and no means yes."

Me: "Is that right?"

Patrick: "... no ..."